Adventures in Holding Down The Fort.
Boss: Liz, you really have to stop unplugging the alarm system so that you can plug in your laptop charger.
Me: You really don't understand my priorities, do you, Tony?
We refer to chicken wings as hobbits now.
Steve: Bahhh just shower at my place, we shall watch wannabe horror movies and eat hobbits! Me: Do you know you’re the best boyfriend ever?
Why we work so well together:
Steve: $80 dollars worth of chicken wings.. there goes the gas money to come see you
Me: Don't you ever change. Also, at least 30 dollars of those chicken wings will be in my stomach if you want to come get me. I will pay for gas.
Steve: But we're still out of condoms! I haven't been shopping!
Me: That was a 28 pack! Jesus.. I also haven't shaved!
Steve: We are so unprepared for spontaneous Sunday sex!
Me: Say that five times fast!
Steve: BRB GOING TO THE SEVEN ELEVEN
There's a man who's convinced that the internet is...
AND IM LIKE BAYM LET ME GOOGLE UP WHAT YOUR PROBLEM MIGHT BE ON MY LAPTOP RIGHT HERE
MAN IM JUST TRYING TO ORDER MY OWN BODY WEIGHT IN...
Don’t have boneless? Breaded ones aren’t even crispy? Out of honey garlic sauce? The fryer is broken down? Cooking in the oven takes 20 minutes longer? THIS IS THE GREEN PUMAS ALL OVER AGAIN I swear I shouldn’t even leave the house on weekends.
I am so fucking cold
But my solution to this is to just chug all the Coke Zero I can find until I decide that it’s not too early to order my own body weight in bread sticks.
Lol I don't even check out my dash anymore. I just...
Legit. If my dash was just whitepajamas I’d be content with that. Fuck you, Wolf, for this. Also thanks at the same time. I owe you that Cobb hat.
I haven't seen Chris since that time I punched him...
and it makes me kind of sad, because we were good friends.
Slowly realizing that I have to carry the rest of...
My boss tends to say "I'll be right back, Liz." a...
And the “Right back” is anywhere from 2 minutes later, to 2 days later. I LIVE MY LIFE IN SUSPENSE OF THE RETURN OF THE BRIT.
Me: Nay squire! You are the butt! My deliriously delicious pizza and I decree it so!
Steve: Well my army of KFC and Taco Bell say otherwise, Knave!
Me: Thems fighting words! I demand you draw your sword, butt!
*Steve sends me a picture of himself holding a chicken leg to the sky*
Uh-Oh. Boyfriend and I now have inside jokes.
We’re “that” couple. Where we’re all over each other in public, and he spanks me in the Quiznos. We have like 4000 pet names. People don’t understand why we yell “HAGGIS” all the time. If I wasn’t so deliriously happy, I’d hate us.
You guys don't even understand that my boss is so...
And his sense of humor is so dry that when he walks in to the room, I need a drink of water.
Watching Sean of the Dead
I watch it at least every two months. Today I am sad. Today needs this scene. “I’ll go check to see if the coast is clear!” *Climbs up ladder* “Is it?” “No.” “How many?” “Lots.”
I love that I can talk to my boss like this:
*Boss walks in on me receiving an almost comically large Chicago Deep Dish Pizza*
Tony: Are you going to eat all of that?
Me: No. I am going to lick each and every individual topping, inch of crust, and string of cheese, then I shall whoosh the sauce around in my mouth and spit it back. When I have tasted every last morsel of this pizza and managed to enjoy it without consuming as many calories as actually eating the pizza, I will then chop and grind and mush it all together, and then bake it in a casserole, and leave it in my fridge, and wait until parts of it start to go missing. Then I will be curious and delighted as to which members of my family have eaten it. It will be glorious. But thank you, thank you for making me reveal my master plan.
Tony: For fuck sakes, Liz, I have things to do, you know.
I love most of my customers
Kevin: What are you doing here?!
Me: I work here! What are you doing here?!
Kevin: I live here!
Me: Oh fancy that!
Kevin: Fancy meeting you here!
There's a strange man in my house
I did not let him in. I am in need of a shower. I do not want to go shower knowing that there is a strange man in my house. It’s okay he’s talking to my dad he’s not like a murderer or anything. Nevertheless I have to get ready for work. But I shall have one more cigarette. And in that seven minutes, I hope he has left.
Off work in an hour
Things I shall do when I get home Order a gigantic Chicago Deep Dish pizza Enlist my brother to give me a foot rub Wake brother up if not already awake to force him to give me said rub Eat own body weight in Pizza Watch a season of Trailer Park Boys Hate the dog
So I'm going to be on the bus in like 5 hours.
I love greyhounding it places I feel like I’m in a band It’s my tourbus. I puke sometimes.
Boyfriend was all sad yesterday about not waking...
So I bought a greyhound ticket for in a few hours. And then I shall cab it to his place. And let myself in with the KEY HE GAVE ME And just crawl up in his bed. And be all “sup” I’m so romantic it hurts sometimes.
Me: Oh I’m just always so worried I’m going to exhaust you. Steve: There ain’t no need to hold back, bb! Me: Well you’re one of those mortal thingies that needs things such as food and sleep Steve: If they cloned my organs in a pig I would be immortal! Me: AND YOU WOULD TASTE OF BACON Steve: AND YOU WOULD ALWAYS WANT ME IN YOUR MOUTH Me: This conversation just went full...
I LOVE YOU MOAR
Totes loadin up on the gravols this time tho. I’m even wearing the same hoodie.
WORD TO MA ELLIE
But it’ll be at like noon so no issues. PLUS YELLOW CAB KINDA LOOKS ALL NEW YOHK AND THATS STYLIN Except Co-op Taxi even lets you pay on Debit and I just went Reee-heee-heeeeeeeeeeallllly Really loudly at 2.a.m. at work.
HEY EDMONTON FRIENDS
Whats the cheapest/most reliable cab company?
Steve: Well you haven’t been doing any writing lately, whats up with that? Me: PROBABLY BECAUSE I’M HAPPY YOU FUCKING TWAT Steve: And.. that’s a… bad thing?
You don't even understand, I don't poop. I twosie.
Stop judging me, little brother!
You just got jacked
animalsbeingdicks: Man, this neighborhood has really gone downhill.
Libby and I are like Weird Al if Weird Al had an...
My Facebook page is basically if DeLani and I had...
I just threw my phone against a wall out of sheer...
Imagine that, if you will.
Reblog and write the opposite of your URL
dinosaursex: bannerisms: stormcloudsandstars: sweetsassymollassy: holmesiandeduction: sylverlining: toondeaf:… AudiblyRealism NoGoldynFilling…? MoriartianInduction SourComplaisantWatery. Blueskiesandthesun would it be hulkisms or like some other Avenger generalrossisms mammalmonopoly this raised a lot of interesting questions that i’ve never thought of before what’s...
Annnnnnnnd mom is pushing for grandkids again.